This week’s Tip From Brett is a little bit different. It is about something not often discussed, but definitely experienced by everyone at some point in their lives.
This probably looks like another corny dating advice article. Not exactly. It is possible to be in a toxic relationship with anyone: your lover, friends, family, even your employer. In my time I have found a number of signs of a toxic relationship to look out for.
- Do you resent the person in question? When something positive happens to them, does it make you angry or jealous?
- When you interact with the person in question, is it negative? Do you leave feeling worse than when you arrived?
- Does the person in question put you down in order to feel good about themselves?
- Do you feel that the person in question does not respect you?
- Do you feel that your relationship with the person in question is weighing down your life?
Always try to take a lesson away from every experience.
If your answer to any of these questions is YES, chances are that your relationship with said person is not a healthy one. Obviously there are two sides to every story, so my idea here is not to make one person into a victim and the other into a villain. I want to break this down. There are many different kinds of toxic relationships you could find yourself in. If a particular relationship is causing you pain, heartache and negativity, most people’s first instinct is to get rid of them. If it is a friend, cut them out, and block them on social media. If it is your boss, you hand in your resignation and find something else. However, when it comes to family, the answer isn’t so easy.
A typical cliché is that old belief that “family is everything”, but I ask: What is family?
Family are those who are there for you no matter what, who accept you for who you are, who are honest with you, and put you first, the same as you do for them.
Another cliché is that our relationship with every one of our blood relatives will be like the one I just described above, but that isn’t always the case. There are many people out there who have adopted families, or who have friends so close they consider them family.
To stop beating around the bush, I reiterate: blood isn’t everything.
If a toxic relationship with a family member is only causing you worry and pain, you need to ask yourself these questions:
- Was there ever a time when my relationship with this person was a positive one? Did a particular person or incident incite a negative change?
- Have you tried to reconcile your differences? By this, I mean: Have you stepped back, really looked at the situation, seen where you were in the wrong and acknowledged that?
- Have you come forward selflessly and voiced your thoughts and feelings?
While you shouldn’t play the victim who was preyed on by a villain, you also shouldn’t just fold and agree that you were wrong about everything.
Can you honestly say that you have taken these steps? Can you honestly sit with yourself knowing that you have done everything in your power to fix your relationship?
We all want to be right. But there is no shame in admitting that you made a mistake and are sorry for that.
If you know in your heart that you have done everything in your power to repair your damaged relationship, it might be time to step back for a little while.
A quote I found and really liked. Basically, respect, even self respect is a two way street.
One thing I know is that those who are most important have a way of coming back to us.
If you know in your heart that you have done everything possible to fix things without compromising your morals and failed, and all it is making you is an unhappier person, it might be time to call an end to the relationship. This isn’t to say that you don’t care. After all, chances are the two of you have been through much together, and although this is heartbreaking, you need to do this for your own sanity. After all, life is too short to be unhappy.
We all have our own ways of getting our point across. Personally, I find that a letter is perfect. This allows you to get your thoughts out there in a rational way without being interrupted, or coming across like a raving lunatic. You also get the closure of knowing that you have said what you needed to before you said goodbye.
This about sums it up. Even if it hurts, you have to do what is right for you.
Who knows what the future could bring. Your letter could bring you back together, or help to end the painful episode in your life.
Relationships of every kind take work. But if we know that we have done put the work in that is required to maintain them, we can all sleep easy at night.
All the best in life and in your relationships.
Peace out for now,
xoxo Brett
